Famous Past Life or Archetypal Affinity?

Sometimes, for some reason we feel very drawn to a historical character, and since we believe in reincarnation and we know that strong interests could be indicator of past lives, we think we might be that person. However, sometimes it’s not the case. That person could just represent something to us, maybe we had a similar life? Maybe we had similar ideas? It could also be that we were close to that person back then, or that that person is the main icon of a place we remember being at. It kinda sucks to really like someone and have no idea why. Here go some guidelines that might help you recognize if your historical persona of interest could have been you, or if you like them for other unknown reasons.

(For didactical purposes, and because I cannot think of anyone else, John Lennon is going to be my example on this ocassion)

Memories from different ages: Whether you were Cyril the Baker or John the Baptist,you NEED to have memories.

ANYWAYS, let’s say that you do have memories, something that might separate a famous past life (from now on “FPL”) for an affinity with a person is if you have memories of different stages of their life (and of course, you get validations for all of them). If you think you could have been John Lennon because you remember playing music with Paul McCartney but you don’t remember anything about his childhood, his problems, his later days, etc It doesn’t really mean that you were him. It COULD, but you could also have been Stuart Suttcliffe, for example.
Your true self: If you were thinking already for a while that you were John Lennon and you have some unvalidated memories, but then you have a series of other memories that say something different and you can validate them and everything matches and make sense, you won’t care too much that you’re not Lennon.  You will be happy that you finally found your true self. I guess this would be to draw the difference between a PL and wishful thinking.

Memories II: I know this has been said over and over, but I will repeat: You cannot take: similarities in life, similarities in looks, interests, similarities in thought, abilities and a long list of etceteras that are not memories, as proof of a past life. If you play the guitar well, find Japanese women sexy, wear glasses and are a hippie, that doesn’t mean that you were John Lennon. However, if you have have some of his memories, everything said above will give strength to your claim. So don’t look for similarities, look for memories.

Other lives: If you were famous in one life, chances are that you weren’t famous in most of your other lives. Try to have memories of other lifetimes, Do they feel the same? Remembering other lives might help you realize how a memory is supposed to feel.

You remember obscure facts: Not always, but a lot of times people never remember what they’re famous for. Anyways, if you think you were John Lennon but your memories are: playing in an scenario, being shot, brief image of Yoko Ono and fangirls screaming … I don’t know…I would be having serious doubts about that life If i were you. You can remember that, but if you also remember obscure details like (I will make them up) Christmas at Aunt Mimi’s house and how she gave you an action figure as a present – falling in love with a prostitute in Hamburg – getting drunk and throwing up over Ringo’s shoes, THEN you would be on a better track.

-by Revolucion Bohemia, MPL member since 2008

Famous Past Lives: 6 Common Assumptions

Ahhhh, the Famous Past Life. It’s a subject that always seems in fascinate. From The Ghost Inside my Child to Tumblr, from the Titanic disaster to the Holocaust, FPLs frequently rear their heads. Our most popular public thread hits on the forum all have the “intriguing” FPL in common. Famous Past Lives, though apparently interesting, sure come with a lot of scrutiny and misunderstanding.

 These are what I believe are the most common assumptions people have towards FPLs and the people who have them. No, not all of these are personal experiences, but what I have witnessed over the years.

 What do you think the common assumptions are?

1. PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY HAVE A FAMOUS PAST LIFE DO IT FOR ATTENTION
Naturally, folks will chalk up another’s famous past life story as an attempt to be noticed. It makes perfect sense as in all areas of life, from the workplace or to hanging out at your favorite coffeehouse/watering hole, you’ll find these types of individuals. Even within the family dynamic, there are always those few individuals who thrive on attention and love all eyes to be on them. Online? It’s worse!
Reincarnation circles are no different with their mix of personalities and roles. It’s not that strange for someone to come out with an FPL first thing in order to shock or to be admired. Even though the more seasoned reincarnationists out there usually can see through this and not take the bait, there are some who gush over the princess/politician/guitar hero. Thus, the attention seeker gets what they want, and it goes on and on and on until the person loses interest and goes elsewhere.
But a lot of times, an individual will ‘come out’ with a Famous Past Life after much thought and with their story worded carefully. They know you may think they’re nuts. They know once they put it out there, there is no going back. They know they may be asked for their research. They know they may be ridiculed and all about the FPL stigma. Regardless, they’re want to talk about it and for this sort of person, it’s not for something shallow like…attention. There’s something deeper behind it, and guess what? They know this, too.

IT IS TRUE that when those with legit FPLs come out with their story, they may garner some extra interest. It is also true that a legit FPL subject can get put on the ‘looking for attention’ heap because, as someone with a famous past and carrying possible charisma, they could just naturally be the type of person to attract others.

2. MEMORIES & VERIFICATIONS COME TO YOU EASILY
I asked my son, who is just a regular dude, what his first assumption would be if someone said they were famous in a past life. He thought about it and replied, ‘Probably that it would be easier to have memories.’ I think he has a point. I also think it is assumed that an FPL is easier to get verifications for. It’s not surprising some believe this, as a ton of info is just a Google search away and, even before the internet, books and documentaries could be accessed.
But *is* it true? From my personal experience, not really. Memories themselves, which came frequently when I was younger, dwindled out as I aged, which is a fairly common thing. Neither did I notice that I had more memories than other people who had been working with reincarnation the same amount of time that I had. As for verifications, most of them did not come from some online search. They took a lot of digging, reading, and the questioning of experts. I still have stuff shelved, unverified and waiting. Most of the information that was readily available, the surface stuff, I didn’t actually remember and therefore it was of no help.

IT IS TRUE that memories of famous people can sometimes come more often due to more frequent triggering. I also will agree that if you do have a memory and don’t have any luck finding the actual event, there is still enough information out there to give you the OK if what you remember is plausible or not.

3. YOU WILL LOOK THE SAME NOW AS YOU DID IN THE PAST
How many people have found themselves on Walter Semkiw’s site, turning your phone or cocking your head to the side to see the photographic ‘evidence’ of the famous past life cases he’s scrounged up over the years, trying to make connections between eyes, noses, and brows? How many times has that meme of Nic Cage’s supposed reincarnations turned up on Facebook or, worse, on reincarnation discussion boards themselves? People can resemble each other, past life or no past life. On my way to work last Thursday, I could of sworn I saw both Eva Braun and Bernie Sanders on my bus. Who’da thunk it? I should of asked for autographs.
No. I don’t think people always have to resemble themselves. I think it’s more interesting how a person carries themselves or hold the same mannerisms from life to life. Appearance alone? Not so convincing.

IT IS TRUE that some people have a marked resemblance. I have been blown away by some of the cases on the MPL forum, even when race or gender were completely different. I am not sure if it is just coincidence or I am seeing only what I want to see, though.
There could be some sort of physical traits that carry over, which may also explain why some people have pl-related birthmarks or certain ailments.

4. YOU REMEMBER A LOT OF FAMOUS EVENTS
Fantasy: You’re so excited…you found a plausible Marilyn Monroe! Ten points for you, eh? But when you ask her how it was to film the skirt scene or the Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend number, she says she doesn’t remember that. Hey, is this Marilyn Monroe or not? Maybe she’s one of those attention-seekers listed above…
Reality: If someone with an FPL remembers a lot of famous events, and not much else, it’s possible they’re not being entirely honest due to either not being the real person or fluffing up their legit experience because they think it’s expected. (<—-don’t do this) Hey, there’s a lot more to a life than just the famous bit the public sees, and it could be that those are the things remembered, not the 15-seconds of film the entire world has memorized.

IT IS TRUE that famous events can be remembered…and in better detail than what the books and documentaries can tell you. But don’t think that these
famous memories are in any way better than ‘regular’ ones. They may be more interesting to others, but to the person remembering, a quiet memory with a loved one could possibly be the most cherished by far.

5. IT’S SO COOL TO HAVE A FAMOUS PAST LIFE!
When we think of fame, we think of famous people and all the things they have: they are popular, they probably have money, they seem very confident and they appear to excel in everything that they do. Maybe beautiful, probably intelligent, complete trendsetters…Even those with more negative past lives have admirers of their misunderstood, dark glamour. What’s not to like?
But when you actually experience a Famous Past Life, it doesn’t feel that way. For one, you can’t say anything due to not being believed…or worse, BEING believed and then hounded. People will doubt your sanity. Others will tell you to stop living in the past more often than if you had a non-FPL. Books, movies, and other related material will never get it right. Twenty other people say they’re you. There is a tremendous sense of loss and other feelings you can’t properly discharge because the big F-word keeps you tied down. There is this image. People’s expectations of you are different. Some get tired of hearing your griping because hey, you were famous…what do you have to complain about?? Having no real outlet can be frustrating. Even when you are over it, something always comes along (a movie, an anniversary) that pulls you right into it again.

IT IS TRUE that lot of the things mentioned above happen to all reincarnations, not just the famous ones. But it seems like there is a lot less judgement for those lives as opposed to the famous, making the burden all the heavier.

And lastly, the one stereotype that seems to override all…

6. EVERYONE THINKS THEY’RE SOMEONE FAMOUS
I believe this reaction is the most common assumption out there. Even people who don’t discuss reincarnation or know about past lives at all will quip, “Oh yeah, everyone thinks they’re Napoleon or Cleopatra!” if the subject is brought up.
Actually, no. Everyone thinks they’re Reinhard Heydrich or Tatiana Romanov, but I digress…

I do not believe that, out of all the people in this world who believe in reincarnation, a staggering number believe they were someone famous. Even if you look at Western culture, most stories out there are same-family reincarnation or just spooky things a kid has said. A Google search will show most stories consist of fairly ordinary people living fairly ordinary lives. Within my own family, the same people whom I felt I could never fit in with due to pl reasons, we had brief brushes with reincarnation: one of my mom’s sisters, who is big into church and Jesus, always thought she had a life in the ’20s and would talk about it sometimes. My son, who lives with reincarnation talk around him and couldn’t be less interested, could tell me his past life name at age 3 or 4. Even an interview with a screenwriter I read a few days ago revealed that the man was influenced by stories of children’s past lives and had talked about his previous death as a small child (his parents told him when he was an adult).

IT IS TRUE that when people gather online to talk about reincarnation, there are a fair amount of FPLs represented. One large forum in particular will have folks saying they have hardly any members with FPLs, but when I have actually looked at users most active there, almost all of them have had at least one notable life. Here on MPL, you could say the same.
Excluding the possibility that FPL stories simply stand out more against others, giving the impression that there are more of those Heydrichs and Tatianas running around than there really are, it could be that FPLers went online to discuss reincarnation where there is a veil of anonymity. Someone who is the reincarnation of their own uncle may be just fine discussing their challenges at home (or on Facebook, to bring in another current thread), but someone with an FPL perhaps wouldn’t go about it the same way.
It also can be that it seems like so many folks online have FPLs because they’re new to the subject and are wrong. Frequently, people will latch their memories onto a famous person because it’s the easiest, more obvious target.

My take is that, though it’s understandable that FPLs come under serious scrutiny, famous people do reincarnate. Though I am the first to cock an eyebrow and not take a lot of cases seriously, I do understand the struggles and misconceptions. I think it would be so beneficial if FPLs, with more solid evidence than ‘we share the same birthday’, were more accepted. When historical research gets put on its head due to the real person giving testimony or baddie historical figures are reborn to be just fine, that would sure put a different spin on how others see the world, wouldn’t it?

Real Memory or Wishful Thinking?

A common question people have when exploring reincarnation is, ‘I remember something, but I am not sure if it’s a real memory or just my mind making something up. How I know the difference?’
Ii is hard, even if you have some experience under your belt. I have a few tips that have helped me and I’d like to share them here. Personally, I have been dealing with this stuff for 23 years, so you can trust me, ha! Doubts? Denial? Joy of validation? Long plane trips to Germany? Regressions? Conversations with war vets and historians? Yeah, I’ve done it all, so I understand the difficulties and can definitely sympathize. Maybe these guidelines can assist our newer members and encourage our more seasoned ones to share their own ideas. Feedback is definitely a plus.

Texture and Weightiness of the Memory
Past life memories have a depth and clarity to them that feel different than something that your mind has created. Your senses are involved, giving the memories a multi-faceted quality that you just can’t imagine without conscience manipulation on your part. Take a potential memory and ask yourself:
Are you warm? Cold?
What do you smell?
If you’re outside, is the air fresh and cool or humid and soupy?
If you’re in a house, what is happening in the next room? If there are other people around, what is your relationship with them? Are they older or younger than you? Do you know them well?
I have a memory that I used to assume occured when I was a child, except it never ‘fit’ this life. For one thing, I am talking eye-to-eye with a man (hard to do for a child) and am also standing in an area vastly different than any place I’d been before. I can also smell the marshiness of a large body of water nearby.

Recently I read a biography of Robert Baden-Powell and afterwards dreamt I was following him through tall African grasses under a blue sky. Other than this, I couldn’t tell you much about what was going on around me with too much detail. Compared to the memory with the large body of water explained above, the dream was very flat and didn’t have the texture of a real memory. Of course, I never thought this was a memory, but it gives you an idea of how a person could get confused if they’re just starting out.

Verifications and Research
Someone told me the other day that all memories should be considered false until validated. I don’t necessarily agree since some memories are so bland that there is nothing involved you could necessarily validate. A memory where you’re running through an empty field could of happened last year or 200 years ago, since there is nothing present (like farm machinery) around to give you any info.
HOWEVER, I am big on doing your homework and getting those historical validations whenever possible. I have found that the experience of knowing about a past life is 25% memories/feelings and 75% research. In a society that craves and expects instant gratification (we want our internet fast and our pizza delivery even faster!), the idea of researching a tidbit of a memory for 5, 10, or even 20 years doesn’t seem very fun. Validation and research takes commitment and TIME. You must be willing to put in both and expect disappointments along the way.

Look at your memories for something obscure you can validate. This element should be something that is detailed , not well known, and that you have to dig a little to verify. Someone I know who was in the SS in their last life remembers the gas vans being used during the Holocaust. That alone isn’t very obscure, but this person could also describe in great detail the vans, how they were used, the emblem on the front of the trucks, etc. without prior knowledge of any of this.
Also, don’t expect bucketloads of memories to fall out of your brain. Even the best cases aren’t necessarily loaded with dozens of detailed memories. If you find yourself writing about your past life and it reads like a flowery historical novel, something is not right.

Blurriness
Real memories also don’t typically become cloudy with time. If anything they should become more clear as you focus on them. At this point, you may just find that little odd detail you can research. With that being said, I recommend that you write down a potential memory and it’s details as quickly as you can when you had them, because if it came in a flash or dream, you actually may forget the little odd details that could be your golden ticket to validation.

The Trap of Obvious Stuff
I don’t believe it’s a given that people remember large, historical events. Even the most accurate, most researched, accepted-as-truth cases aren’t full of memories that could be found in Encyclopedia Brittanica and are usually just regular life stuff.

Does this mean I consider memories of commonly known nature junk? No, because I also believe it’s true that there are triggers for these well-known events all over the place. You can’t turn on the TV or visit the bookshop without WWII or the Holocaust subjects blaring out at you at every corner. If lived in those times, it’d be pretty hard to ignore! I also think that traumatic historical events could surface more prominently simply because of their harshness. I recommend, though, that you treat such a memory with added scrutiny and keep your skepticism within easy reach. You need to validate everything you can to be sure it isn’t just your imagination running away with you.

And…
Above all? You need to trust your gut. If you feel that a potential memory has that certain quality of reality and you just can’t get it out of your head, then there is probably something there. I personally have gone to the mat over something Nazi Germany-related that I KNOW to be true. My only ‘validation’ is that someone else also remembers it. Not too much proof there.
I like to think that the historians just haven’t caught up with me yet!

-by inhaltslos, MPL member since 2008

Melancholia and Reincarnation=An Impossible Duo

If my past life travels were a diary, most of my entries would be of the depressed, hopeless sort. I think that most people who haven’t experienced past life recall are under the impression that it’s pretty nifty to remember, but I honestly can’t say that it is. Things that should make me happy, don’t. A verified memory makes me feel ill, in a ‘last-nail-in-the-coffin’ sort of way. The people and places currently around me I tend to view on the short term, because I know how quickly things can change and how impermanent everything actually is and I have no escape because I can’t run away from my own mind. The past follows me wherever I go, with only brief moments of respite or distraction.

I wrote up a few main ideas to why and how past life recall makes a person depressed.

Overwhelming Sense of Loss
Chances are, if you remember another life, it isn’t because things in your past were peachy. The trend seems to follow the idea that truly horrific, traumatizing events are the cause to one remembering. It’s likely that you remember a life that was cut short by war, murder, or a natural disaster…and though you probably (and thankfully) don’t recall the actual event that ended your life, you probably remember the people and the places in it.
The people you remember, your wife, your kids, coworkers, friends, and others who were the staples of your daily life are dead. If they are still alive, they are incredibly old, don’t know you’re reincarnated, and you can’t just write them a letter saying ‘hi’. It’s bad enough mourning the loss of one person, but thirty? Fifty? More? How exactly can you sufficiently bounce back when you constantly feel their absence no matter what you do? The old saying ‘Keep them alive in your heart, and they’ll never truly be gone’, just makes me feel worse.
The bedroom you have glimpses of during a memory? Yeah, it probably doesn’t exist anymore. At least not the way you remember it. Everything you had from personal belongings to relationships are no longer. All the hard work you put in was for nothing.

‘The Grass is Always Greener’ Syndrome
What is it about the past that makes us cast it in such a rosy glow? Do we perceive past times as better because they truly were? Or did we just forget the bad stuff?
My TV-addicted father watched ‘The Wonder Years’ fervently back in the 90s, constantly laughing and informing my deaf ears how great those days were. Even I have found myself looking back at my childhood in the ’80s with misty eyes. Do I really prefer big hair and a flabbier Madonna? Were people then more innocent than they are now? Was life really better? Or am I just seeing it that way because I can’t go back?

I can’t help but be reminded of the lyrics to ‘Everybody is Free to Wear Sunscreen’ when pondering this:
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise, politicians will philander.
You too will get old, and when you do,
you’ll fantasize that when you were young,
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble,
and children respected their elders.

In a reincarnation sense, the past feels simpler, the world smaller, and the people in it more honorable. You didn’t have to worry about your kids being abducted from the front yard or being shot in school. You didn’t stress over steroids and pesticides being pumped into your food and giving you health problems. You didn’t worry about having 600 passwords and test questions because of someone stealing your identity. Technology has made life simpler, no doubt. But perhaps I am willing to give up the ‘ease’ of modern life for an earlier lifetime without the blare of cars, cell phones, and the superficiality of pop culture and reality TV. I yearn for those times because I see them as better, regardless if they were or not.

Going it Alone
If you think about it, there are support groups and therapy for everything: Addiction to slots, sluts, sex, drinking and drug use. You can get in a group therapy session if you eat too much, not enough, if your parents ate too much or not enough, or if your kids eat too much or not enough. You can go to a therapist about being so obsessive you clean your house 8 hours each day. You also can go to a therapist if you haven’t cleaned your house at all in 8 years.
Reincarnation, however, is still seen as a freaky, New Age belief system that is taboo in mainstream, Western society. Are there past life therapists around? Yes, but they are hard to find and I bet your insurance won’t cover the cost! There is the option of opening up to your current therapist about a past life, but I don’t think that is a feasible option for many due to fears they’ll look like a schizo.
Within your own support system of family and friends, you may not exactly get what you need, either. Even if you had the balls to tell anyone about your past life, chances are they don’t understand enough about reincarnation to be of any help or don’t ‘get’ your time period. Dead Nazis, I ask you specifically: how simple is it explaining your past life to someone who wasn’t there? The other person just doesn’t understand, right? Immediately you’re cast as a bandwagon-esque, murdering, goosestepping sycophant.

People who aren’t past life-oriented at all don’t seem to be too sympathetic while you’re going through a rough patch. Being holed up in your dark bedroom for three days, subsisting only on cold Pop Tarts and watching documentaries in a depressed heap won’t score you any points with your roommate or boyfriend, who is wondering how the hell you’ll make rent since you’ve called in sick to work the whole time. Even if you’re just mildly depressed, just going to the grocery store or dealing with traffic can be too much and naturally others just want you to snap out of it and get some ‘real problems’. They don’t want another discussion about Stalingrad or the unfairness of war crimes trials. They’re sick of hearing it and want you to go mow the freaking lawn already. Suck it up, buttercup.

The other option is to reach out online to talk to others who have been there. Provided you can find a forum or mailing list that isn’t full of lunatics, how much help can you honestly get? Forums are usually full of posts like ‘My name is LunaChakraPsychicHealer and I had a life in Scotland’. LunaChakraPsychicHealer will have about five posts [none of which you can relate to], leave the forum, and will be soon replaced by another newbie just like her. Repeat this 300 times and you’re ready to bail.
Finding true value, connections, and friendship online is difficult, and the shelf life of the friendships you make are unfortunately rather short. Eventually, these people will be on the forum less and less as their offline lives go in different directions. You may be up for a chat about the good old days, but if they have a crying baby, an impatient new husband, or a pile of work to deal with from the office, your friendship is going on the back burner.

Research Takes Time and Results Are Iffy At Best
Memories are harder to unlock than a childproof cap while you have a raging migraine and can´t see straight. We all know this. It takes time, patience, commitment, and consistency on your part. Personally, I think starting a new exercise or health regimen is easier. Have you ever heard anyone ever say, ‘Oh, meditation is so simple. I get at least five memories every time I do it!’
Of course, you haven’t.
Even the old technique of putting a notepad and pen next to your bed is a pain in the neck. For me, I wake up from the dream, try to turn on my lamp, almost knock the lamp over in the attempt, wake up my partner with the noise, try to explain what I am doing and hope she goes back to sleep, scramble for my glasses, locate the notepad, drop the pen on the floor, it rolls under the bed…gah. My memory is long gone and now I am wide awake because I have gotten out of bed to find the freaking pen and now have to pee. The cat is meowing and the dog senses I’m up and wants to be fed.
Sheesh. Why bother?
But let’s say you luck out and get a memory. No one ever remembers the stuff that can easily be validated, even if you’ve had the most famous life ever. Chances are you remember something about a large room with four windows, and unless you locate a book that gives you the floor plans of every single room you’ve entered in that entire life, you’re screwed.
If you’re able to actually verify the memory, is that going to be substantial enough for you to establish who you were? Of course not! You want 25 or 30 validations and maybe, just maybe, then you’ll be satisfied.

The Feeling of Powerlessness
You can’t control when you’re going to be triggered and feel like crap for an undetermined length of time. As for myself, I know that New Year’s Eve, April, and September tend to send me off on a journey down Melancholia Road. But I’ve also gotten triggered while on a business trip or going to the park…and don’t even get me going on how ‘splendid’ my German honeymoon was for all involved.
Another thing that can be frustrating is knowing that you can’t change the past. Hindsight, as they say, is always 20/20 and I can’t tell you what I wouldn’t give to tell certain people that I’m sorry and that I think of them every day. No one can go back and change the things they did or heal the people they hurt. The only thing we can do is to is to learn from the mistakes we made and try to do a little better this go round.

-by inhaltslos, MPL member since 2008

I’m Not Ashamed of My Life as an SS Soldier…

…But I wouldn’t like to repeat it!
I don’t consider any of this information personally damaging to me because I am no longer a Nazi (the ideology is disgustingly predatory), and think that I have learned some important lessons from the grievous mistakes that I may have made in a past life.

To clarify, I am always open to any connections with these “memories” to some psychological trauma, but I cannot pinpoint what would have caused them, and I have always had these feelings and occurrences since I was very small. They are intense realizations, so I have memories stretching back to 1 year old (but I have other non-past life-related memories from that time too). As a kid, I would have nightmares of crazy people attacking me and bossing me around with strange voices. I was just listening to a speech of Hitler’s and realized that the voice in my dreams was his!

I have had war flashbacks even before I knew what they were. I would lie awake at night, as a young child, thinking of things that I had never experienced, but still felt related to me. These thoughts were so horrible that I would stay up and cry for hours into the night. I thought of loud sounds, battlefields, and air attacks. I would have dreams of men chasing other men with exploding shooters for hands (guns) and women and children being slaughtered. Keep in mind that I was younger than four, and grew up in a nonviolent household.

In a sense, I always knew that I had previously been a soldier. I knew how to fight, and I had a strict honor code, stood at attention, and was one of those kids that naturally never wanted to step out of line. Even though I was a tender and timid child, I did always have a “killer streak,” and would play out these elaborate murder fantasies in my head. However, along with this, I have always… ALWAYS had this dreadful fear of killing somebody. Like I would lose control, grab the nearest object, and kill the nearest person, even though I would never do that. I used to panic whenever I had a sharp object in my hand because, even as a kid, I felt like I might angrily turn around and stab the person closest to me, for no reason, like a spasm. Once when I was eleven, I tried to control the fear by sitting in the middle of the kitchen, holding the family’s biggest knife, and telling my self “I will not kill anyone” over and over again. It’s subsided now, but every so often, I get afraid of it again.

My family is of German descent, and I have always been interested in German culture. My dad had taken some German classes in college (though he barely remembered any of it) and tried to teach me how to count to ten in German. Not only did I already know it, but I corrected the Bavarian accent that his teacher had taught him with a natural Frisian accent! Also, when I was little, I always drew thunderbolts that were shaped exactly like SS thunderbolts. I knew they were a symbol of strength, and whenever I wrote my name, I would put thunderbolts next to it, because I felt like it was a good symbol for me. Also, when I was a small child, I was fascinated with the ferocity of wolves. They were my favorite animal (I was a wolf for Halloween 3 times in a row!).

Whenever I heard about “German soldiers,” I was interested. Not for historical purposes, but to root for them, and most importantly, I wanted to know what they were thinking, even if they were just extras in a movie I was watching. I never made the connection between myself and World War II until 3rd grade, when I was in the library and happened to pull out a book of historical figures. I turned to a page with a picture of Adolf Hitler, and when I looked at his face, I said aloud to my dad and friend, “I know this man.”
“Of course, he was the leader of Germany in World War II.” My dad said, “He was responsible for the deaths of millions of people.” I was enthralled by his portrait and sat staring at it for a good twenty minutes. I wanted to know more about him, but I also knew that I instantly hated him and everything he represented, even though I didn’t know what Nazis were. Ever since that day, I took every opportunity I had to denounce Hitler. Once, when a teacher made a passing remark about him, I raised my hand, stood up in front of the whole class (something I never ever did because I was shy) and said “He is an embarrassment to the German people and the whole of Europe should have dealt with him sooner! He should have never been allowed to lead people in anything!” There was an awkward silence immediately after and I scurried back to my seat. Ever since seeing Hitler’s portrait, I knew that I used to be a soldier for him.

As history classes rolled through, I saw more and more Nazi footage. I knew that I was one of them from the first time I saw video of a troupe of Hitler Youth boys carrying flags and wearing the brownshirt uniform. I knew that this was weird, so I kept it to myself for years, researching in secret. Every time I researched WWII Germany, I felt like I was being reminded, instead of learning, like I did with studying other cultures. Reading The Book Thief in sixth grade was overwhelmingly nostalgic. By then I knew, and my memories came flooding back. I even remember snippets of German sounds in the memories, which I have only been able to translate later as I try to teach myself the language (with great ease). One prominent word that I remember is the word “flasche,” which literally means “bottle,” but is also 30’s German slang for “weakling.” For the longest time, if I made a mistake, to admonish myself, I would mumble “flasche!” just assuming it was a fake German word. Turns out it was real!

As I grow closer to the age that I believe I was when I enlisted and fought in the Eastern Front (winter 42, spring/summer 43), my “memories” flood my mind more and more frequently. Certain sounds, like sirens in house music (an example would be “Russia Privjet” by Basshunter) trigger panic attacks in me, even if I don’t consciously notice the sound. Hearing Nazi doctrines send shivers down my spine, and sometimes I feel like I fall back into that body. As a joke, I was impersonating a Nazi soldier in front of a friend and suddenly I pointed my hand straight at her face as if I were holding a gun and called her a pig and tried to force her to follow me to “the shooting place” and… let’s say I got really into character.

I don’t feel completely out of control of these experiences, even though they have a tendency to wash over me completely. I try to use this other side of my personality to my advantage. It comes in really good handy during athletic competitions and formal situations! Also, having these horrifying memories, real or not, help me work towards an anti-war cause and keep my (current) morals on track. I believe everyone should learn from their mistakes.

–by scratchmaster101, MPL Member since 2013